“Finally!” Annabella wanted to yell out this word as she was gently lifted out of the box. She had given up all hope of ever escaping her prison of cardboard and plastic. Wasn’t she pretty enough? Every time the box was opened, she had tried extra hard to look pretty and sparkling, stretching her tiny little ballerina toes as far as she could for an even more delicate look, and smiling as wide as possible to show off her sparkling white teeth and her twinkling blue eyes.
But it was always one of her sisters or brothers that was chosen. Her box was stored in a closet in a child’s bedroom – the child currently holding Annabella in her hands – of the pretty house. Now, if the door to that closet was just slightly open, she could see her reflection in the plastic cover of the box. When her sisters were still living in the box, she could see their reflection, too. She thought they all looked very much alike – they were all pretty little ballerinas waiting to be put on the tree. Her brothers were handsome ice-skaters, with rosy cheeks, red scarves, and sweaters with all kinds of designs on them.
As she was carried to the pretty little spruce tree on its own table near the window of the living room, she could see some of her sisters and brothers looking at her from several different positions on the tree and she wondered where she would be put. She was very excited to see, hear, smell, and feel different things, but she was also just a little afraid. She had never been taken out of the box before – what would this new world and life on the tree be like for her? Would she be able to survive? Would she like it or wish she had stayed in her comfortable, but very lonely box?
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
How It Is Supposed To Be
“I lift up my eyes to the hills—
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
The Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
He who watches over you will not slumber;
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
The LORD is your shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
He will watch over your life;
The LORD will watch over your coming and going
Both now and forevermore.”
-- Psalm 121
How It Is Supposed To Be
Well, I am quite surprised. I almost wish that culturally we could agree to not celebrate birthdays, to ignore them in the hopes that they will not come to pass, or to just let them go by as any other day.
I don’t know about you, but as my birthday comes every year, I evaluate my entire life in light of the number of years I have been on this earth. And although I’ve had some good birthdays, even great ones, most of my birthday evaluations don’t result in me giving myself a good grade. In fact, on most birthdays, I am miserable. Miserable.
This year, the time leading up to my birthday was no exception to this general rule. I thought I was doing okay with the whole thing – I really did. But the past couple of days, as I’ve approached 44 years of age, a single, childless, graying, quite out-of-shape woman, living in a room and board in Edmonton, Alberta, I’ve started experiencing heartache like I have never experienced before. An ache for how it was supposed to be.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a little discouraged with my career. I won’t bore you with all the reasons, except to say that in my culture at my age, most people are a lot further in this area of their life than I am – at least, the people that I would like to emulate. I’ve been asking God to help me with these feelings of inadequacy, and sometimes I think I’m progressing, but the feelings of inadequacy have not gone away, and I still feel a bit of a failure. Really, sometimes I wonder if I even care at all about my career. Whatever I do, I like to do well, but very little seems truly important to me, other than the people aspect of things.
I put that on the backburner, though, as I went to a Christmas banquet on Friday evening, two days before my birthday. Oh, what a beautiful banquet that was, too. Our prayer room was decorated like a winter forest with real trees. The look and smell were fabulous! The meal was scrumptious, the speaker was great, the company at our table was wonderful -- all in all, a great evening. It was a little bit of a downer being a single in the midst of couples or couples to be, but it didn’t seem that significant to begin with.
That night, I met the Buntings – Ken and Sybil – he was a pastor at Central a while back. Talking with the Buntings was just fabulous. Both are in their 90’s and they spoke with the playful affection and banter of a couple that has been together, has grown together, has loved one another, for a very long time. It was awesome just to be in their presence. I thought, “This is how it is supposed to be.”
And though I marveled, my heart ached as well. These people have wonderful children (I’ve met them) and grandchildren and great grandchildren as well. They spoke of them proudly and fondly. Why aren’t I married with children, with the hope of children and grandchildren to come?
I tucked all that away, though, as I went into the church on Saturday, the eve of my birthday, to help with the construction of the Singing Christmas Tree. Shortly after I got there, I noticed that someone I was once quite fond of myself was there with his fiancée. I thought I was completely beyond any kind of attachment, especially since the attachment was mostly on my side – I’d prayed for he and his fiancée quite a bit, so was pretty sure I would be okay. And I was, until I went upstairs to get a phone number for someone, and became very reluctant to go back downstairs. I decided I would do some laminating for a while, and it was while I was laminating that I started really thinking about my life and “how it was supposed to be.”
I went to the little kitchen to get a cup for some water and glanced in the mirror. Oh no. How did this happen yet again. So heavy, so gray, so drawn, so weary. I could not recall ever having looked so awful in all my life. “This is not how it is supposed to be,” I thought.
I was surprised when I suddenly felt my heart contract. Was this going to be my “Happy Birthday”? Every which way I turned, there was evidence that nothing in my life is as it should be. I felt sucker-punched for sure, and it seemed like I was receiving blow after blow after blow – right to my heart.
But I composed myself, gathered the shreds of my heart and patched them loosely back together as I went to the kitchen to help, in an attempt to avoid any more negative thoughts and feelings. I figured Nellie and Debbie (Nellie’s daughter) could maybe use some help. They were sitting and chatting with Wilma and another lady when I joined them. We chatted. Just interacting with Nellie and Debbie, and watching them interact with their grandchildren and children, I thought, “This is how it is supposed to be.” My eyes welled up, though I don’t think anyone noticed. My heart cried out for the grandchildren that should have been in my life.
I put all that aside as I served hamburger soup so I would not have to sit and eat with anyone other than the wonderful ladies in the kitchen. A friend of mine had agreed to go to a restaurant opening with me in the early afternoon, so I actually did not have a chance to eat with anyone anyways. I had originally planned to come back and help more with the Tree late in the afternoon, but I just could not bring myself to be in the midst of “how it is supposed to be” anymore that day.
So my friend and I decided to go toodling around some local shops. We parked on a neighborhood street and walked to the little shops. As we walked down the street and by pretty, well-kept homes, some with little lights twinkling inside, I imagined the mothers, fathers and children inside and thought, “This is how it is supposed to be.” My heart cried out, “Why isn’t this how it is in my life?”
Mostly, the eve of my 44th birthday was not what I would call a very stellar moment. I tried not to, but I wallowed excessively, despite being disgusted with myself for the wallowing. In light of this, I was in dread of the following day. I did not want to get up and go to church on my birthday. What was I going to hear in the sermon? Answers to why I’m not the way I am supposed to be? God speaking into my ear? What? What? What?
“I lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from?”
But, if nothing else, I am persistent. One thing I do understand is the importance of persistence. Even when things don’t seem right, or balanced, or fair, or possible, persistence is crucial. I’ve noticed even in the darkest of times that persistence results in some light being shed. And so off I went to church and thus, this birthday was no exception to this rule.
It is hard to stay immersed in darkness when you come to my church, Central Tabernacle. There are so many loving people here to encourage you back into the light. As I wandered around in the foyer, many of my church family wished me “Happy Birthday”. Many hugs and well wishes later, I went into the sanctuary for the service. I’d heard someone on the radio (Shine FM) say on the way into church that “if you need a boost, if you are feeling low, praise God.” I was eager to praise God and grateful to have the opportunity to worship Him right away.
“My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
The service was centered on Psalm 121 – one of my favorites. And the message I heard was that “harm, setbacks, or suffering are (1) temporary – come to pass, and (2) transformational.” An inspiring message of hope. One of our church moms, who leads some of our children, helped us with methods to memorize this entire Psalm – in fact, she did a “rap” type version of the verses that was quite fun! Already, the day was dramatically improving.
My closest friends took me to lunch for my birthday and I was spoiled with gifts as well. But the best part of this crowd is just being with them. They are very busy people -- they are always helping people to keep from stumbling, watching out for people, caring for people – true shepherds. I honestly don’t know where they find the time to do all that they do – perhaps they don’t sleep.
“He will not let your foot slip – he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.”
In the evening, it was on to my small group meeting. A football game, more hugs and birthday wishes, a good study about “generosity” – could you ask for anything more? A good birthday night, as well as a good birthday.
“The Lord watches over you – the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.”
I don’t know the answers to my questions, and I don’t expect to know the answers before I meet God face to face and He clues me in. I don’t know why birthdays are so hard for me. I don’t know why it is that there are times when I seem to get sucker punched over and over and over again. I do know that when that happens, and I look up to the Lord, He lets me know that He is watching over my life, that He is caring, that He is always there for me.
“The Lord will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.”
I find that He does this by sending His missionaries into my life with hugs, fellowship, well wishes, kind words, good sermons, and yes, even birthday lunches. Sometimes the smallest acts of kindness are just what is needed at the time. Every hug, every kind word, every “Happy Birthday”, every bit of the sermon and Psalm 121, every little morsel of that delicious birthday lunch, and every minute of my friends’ time, was a treasure to me on this 44th birthday. Thank you, Lord, for sending your missionaries to me at just the right time – I guess this is how it is supposed to be.
Whose missionary would you have me be?
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
The Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
He who watches over you will not slumber;
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you—
The LORD is your shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
He will watch over your life;
The LORD will watch over your coming and going
Both now and forevermore.”
-- Psalm 121
How It Is Supposed To Be
Well, I am quite surprised. I almost wish that culturally we could agree to not celebrate birthdays, to ignore them in the hopes that they will not come to pass, or to just let them go by as any other day.
I don’t know about you, but as my birthday comes every year, I evaluate my entire life in light of the number of years I have been on this earth. And although I’ve had some good birthdays, even great ones, most of my birthday evaluations don’t result in me giving myself a good grade. In fact, on most birthdays, I am miserable. Miserable.
This year, the time leading up to my birthday was no exception to this general rule. I thought I was doing okay with the whole thing – I really did. But the past couple of days, as I’ve approached 44 years of age, a single, childless, graying, quite out-of-shape woman, living in a room and board in Edmonton, Alberta, I’ve started experiencing heartache like I have never experienced before. An ache for how it was supposed to be.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a little discouraged with my career. I won’t bore you with all the reasons, except to say that in my culture at my age, most people are a lot further in this area of their life than I am – at least, the people that I would like to emulate. I’ve been asking God to help me with these feelings of inadequacy, and sometimes I think I’m progressing, but the feelings of inadequacy have not gone away, and I still feel a bit of a failure. Really, sometimes I wonder if I even care at all about my career. Whatever I do, I like to do well, but very little seems truly important to me, other than the people aspect of things.
I put that on the backburner, though, as I went to a Christmas banquet on Friday evening, two days before my birthday. Oh, what a beautiful banquet that was, too. Our prayer room was decorated like a winter forest with real trees. The look and smell were fabulous! The meal was scrumptious, the speaker was great, the company at our table was wonderful -- all in all, a great evening. It was a little bit of a downer being a single in the midst of couples or couples to be, but it didn’t seem that significant to begin with.
That night, I met the Buntings – Ken and Sybil – he was a pastor at Central a while back. Talking with the Buntings was just fabulous. Both are in their 90’s and they spoke with the playful affection and banter of a couple that has been together, has grown together, has loved one another, for a very long time. It was awesome just to be in their presence. I thought, “This is how it is supposed to be.”
And though I marveled, my heart ached as well. These people have wonderful children (I’ve met them) and grandchildren and great grandchildren as well. They spoke of them proudly and fondly. Why aren’t I married with children, with the hope of children and grandchildren to come?
I tucked all that away, though, as I went into the church on Saturday, the eve of my birthday, to help with the construction of the Singing Christmas Tree. Shortly after I got there, I noticed that someone I was once quite fond of myself was there with his fiancée. I thought I was completely beyond any kind of attachment, especially since the attachment was mostly on my side – I’d prayed for he and his fiancée quite a bit, so was pretty sure I would be okay. And I was, until I went upstairs to get a phone number for someone, and became very reluctant to go back downstairs. I decided I would do some laminating for a while, and it was while I was laminating that I started really thinking about my life and “how it was supposed to be.”
I went to the little kitchen to get a cup for some water and glanced in the mirror. Oh no. How did this happen yet again. So heavy, so gray, so drawn, so weary. I could not recall ever having looked so awful in all my life. “This is not how it is supposed to be,” I thought.
I was surprised when I suddenly felt my heart contract. Was this going to be my “Happy Birthday”? Every which way I turned, there was evidence that nothing in my life is as it should be. I felt sucker-punched for sure, and it seemed like I was receiving blow after blow after blow – right to my heart.
But I composed myself, gathered the shreds of my heart and patched them loosely back together as I went to the kitchen to help, in an attempt to avoid any more negative thoughts and feelings. I figured Nellie and Debbie (Nellie’s daughter) could maybe use some help. They were sitting and chatting with Wilma and another lady when I joined them. We chatted. Just interacting with Nellie and Debbie, and watching them interact with their grandchildren and children, I thought, “This is how it is supposed to be.” My eyes welled up, though I don’t think anyone noticed. My heart cried out for the grandchildren that should have been in my life.
I put all that aside as I served hamburger soup so I would not have to sit and eat with anyone other than the wonderful ladies in the kitchen. A friend of mine had agreed to go to a restaurant opening with me in the early afternoon, so I actually did not have a chance to eat with anyone anyways. I had originally planned to come back and help more with the Tree late in the afternoon, but I just could not bring myself to be in the midst of “how it is supposed to be” anymore that day.
So my friend and I decided to go toodling around some local shops. We parked on a neighborhood street and walked to the little shops. As we walked down the street and by pretty, well-kept homes, some with little lights twinkling inside, I imagined the mothers, fathers and children inside and thought, “This is how it is supposed to be.” My heart cried out, “Why isn’t this how it is in my life?”
Mostly, the eve of my 44th birthday was not what I would call a very stellar moment. I tried not to, but I wallowed excessively, despite being disgusted with myself for the wallowing. In light of this, I was in dread of the following day. I did not want to get up and go to church on my birthday. What was I going to hear in the sermon? Answers to why I’m not the way I am supposed to be? God speaking into my ear? What? What? What?
“I lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from?”
But, if nothing else, I am persistent. One thing I do understand is the importance of persistence. Even when things don’t seem right, or balanced, or fair, or possible, persistence is crucial. I’ve noticed even in the darkest of times that persistence results in some light being shed. And so off I went to church and thus, this birthday was no exception to this rule.
It is hard to stay immersed in darkness when you come to my church, Central Tabernacle. There are so many loving people here to encourage you back into the light. As I wandered around in the foyer, many of my church family wished me “Happy Birthday”. Many hugs and well wishes later, I went into the sanctuary for the service. I’d heard someone on the radio (Shine FM) say on the way into church that “if you need a boost, if you are feeling low, praise God.” I was eager to praise God and grateful to have the opportunity to worship Him right away.
“My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
The service was centered on Psalm 121 – one of my favorites. And the message I heard was that “harm, setbacks, or suffering are (1) temporary – come to pass, and (2) transformational.” An inspiring message of hope. One of our church moms, who leads some of our children, helped us with methods to memorize this entire Psalm – in fact, she did a “rap” type version of the verses that was quite fun! Already, the day was dramatically improving.
My closest friends took me to lunch for my birthday and I was spoiled with gifts as well. But the best part of this crowd is just being with them. They are very busy people -- they are always helping people to keep from stumbling, watching out for people, caring for people – true shepherds. I honestly don’t know where they find the time to do all that they do – perhaps they don’t sleep.
“He will not let your foot slip – he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.”
In the evening, it was on to my small group meeting. A football game, more hugs and birthday wishes, a good study about “generosity” – could you ask for anything more? A good birthday night, as well as a good birthday.
“The Lord watches over you – the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.”
I don’t know the answers to my questions, and I don’t expect to know the answers before I meet God face to face and He clues me in. I don’t know why birthdays are so hard for me. I don’t know why it is that there are times when I seem to get sucker punched over and over and over again. I do know that when that happens, and I look up to the Lord, He lets me know that He is watching over my life, that He is caring, that He is always there for me.
“The Lord will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.”
I find that He does this by sending His missionaries into my life with hugs, fellowship, well wishes, kind words, good sermons, and yes, even birthday lunches. Sometimes the smallest acts of kindness are just what is needed at the time. Every hug, every kind word, every “Happy Birthday”, every bit of the sermon and Psalm 121, every little morsel of that delicious birthday lunch, and every minute of my friends’ time, was a treasure to me on this 44th birthday. Thank you, Lord, for sending your missionaries to me at just the right time – I guess this is how it is supposed to be.
Whose missionary would you have me be?
Friday, November 18, 2005
The Job Shadower
“ When Jesus came to Simon Peter, Peter said to him, ‘Lord, are you going to wash my feet?’
Jesus replied, ‘You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.’
‘No,’ Peter protested, ‘you will never ever wash my feet!’
Jesus replied, ‘Unless I wash you, you won’t belong to me.’ “
John 13:6-8 (New Living Translation)
The Job Shadower
I found myself in a predicament I had not faced before – a young lady, let’s call her Clarissa, asked me if she could come to work and “shadow” me on the job. She had originally asked Steve, a friend who is also the president of a bible college in Edmonton, but he was going to be out of town. She had also asked Brenda, another friend who is a manager in a care facility in Edmonton, but she was also not going to be available.
Oh no. My first reaction was truthfully, “What kind of cruel trick is somebody trying to play on this young girl?” Those other choices were much better and there are many other better choices she could make than to shadow me. We have several pastors in the church and we have congregation members in all sorts of positions who could perhaps really inspire Clarissa to go into a career where she could flourish and grow. I on the other hand, at 43 years of age, have taken several leaps backwards and am in transition. I currently am completing my degree by doing a practicum at my church, working as an IT Specialist and Special Events Coordinator and also, by default, the office secretary – something I swore a long time ago that I would never do again. I have not managed any practical aspect of my day-to-day life at all well, including my career, and don’t feel that I am a very good example for anyone who still has hope.
I really like Clarissa. She is in 9th grade and is 14 years old, but she looks like she could be 12 years old and in 6th grade. She knows this – in fact, she informed me of this early on in the day. I assured her that looking younger would appeal to her later on, but in fact she doesn’t seem bothered by it now! I would guess she is about 5’5”, well-proportioned and fit, very light brown hair with lots of blonde highlights, a slightly square face (she informed me of that, too!) that is benefited by wearing square earrings. Her eyes are a gray/blue I believe and she has a beautiful complexion with naturally adorable rosy red cheeks. I will do just about anything to make Callista smile – she has an extremely engaging and overall winsome smile.
What was I going to do? I hemmed and hawed and prayed, and prayed, and prayed, as quickly as I could when she asked me over the phone. In retrospect, I am amazed at the amount of melodrama I experience or cause myself to experience in my life, but nevertheless, I am very concerned for young people and understand the importance of good examples in their lives. And sometimes, I just feel like a big contaminant, bad luck, poisoned goods. And I think that stems mostly from a realization that I don’t want anyone to spend 43 years growing up when it can be achieved much more quickly than that.
However, as I prayed, a voice said to me, “Are you going to disappoint a young girl because you feel inadequate? Aren’t you here working for me? If so, then what is the problem? Or do you get your sense of worth from others than me?”
“Well, God, I don’t really know. I’m trying to convince myself this is not about P R I D E. I can’t help but feel that I would have been a better example a year ago or more than I am now. I have not accomplished much and seem to fall periodically into some kind of a slump. You keep helping me and blessing me in so many different ways that make it abundantly clear you are at work, but I often feel an absolute failure that you have to bail out over and over again. I am afraid of allowing myself to get stuck in a rut again and not accomplishing what you would have me do.”
“Have you thought of the possibility that this little assignment might not be about you but rather about Clarissa? I’ve used people in positions you would consider lesser than yours to do my work.”
Ah, yes. “Okay, Clarissa – I would love to have you shadow me at work.”
And so, Clarissa came one day a couple of weeks ago. She grinned right away. We chatted a bit, and then she asked a series of questions that the school wanted asked.
“What do you like most about your job?” The people – the fact that what I do affects many people.
She also helped with printing labels, labeling envelopes, and putting postage on envelopes.
“What do you like least about your job?” The repetitive stuff and the interruptive things like answering the phone and door.
When lunchtime rolled around, we walked to the local grocery store to purchase fixings for a tuna salad lunch. Believe it or not, I felt it was very important to model getting up and walking at lunch. (It would be better to actually model it by doing it on a regular basis.) Anyway, the Kaups were unloading a trailer full of beautiful spruce (I think) to decorate for our Christmas banquet, and two of the three had not brought their lunch, so we offered to make lunch for them, too. So, we got our lunch stuff: tuna, honey wheatberry bread, carrots and red pepper (healthy) and chips and Clarissa’s favorite cookies (not as healthy).
We made lunch and ate lunch and talked some more. Clarissa has several careers in mind: lawyer (she told me that she “argues” well), French teacher, art teacher, children’s pastor (she LOVES the nursery work in the church), and mother. I’m quite certain she will do well no matter what she chooses. She has a confident and well-adjusted presence, and my guess is that once she selects something, she will persist until it is achieved.
Clarissa learned how to use the shredder and was quite excited to be shredding some stuff that had built up over a period of time. It was great having someone in the office who was excited to be doing some of the more mundane activities needing to get done.
I can no longer remember the other questions that Clarissa asked – they seemed painfully pointed then, geared toward making me really evaluate my life situation, but in hindsight have perhaps lost some of their impact.
“Lord, thank you for the opportunity to spend a day with Clarissa, a beautiful, young lady with a bright future ahead of her. I pray that while she shadowed me, there was some positive impact on her life. I pray that she remains free of the cynicism and pride that you are having to work on in me, no matter what path she chooses for her career. Thank you, Lord, for inviting me to shadow you that day – I pray that in some way I did, even if it was only for a moment or two. Amen.”
Jesus replied, ‘You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.’
‘No,’ Peter protested, ‘you will never ever wash my feet!’
Jesus replied, ‘Unless I wash you, you won’t belong to me.’ “
John 13:6-8 (New Living Translation)
The Job Shadower
I found myself in a predicament I had not faced before – a young lady, let’s call her Clarissa, asked me if she could come to work and “shadow” me on the job. She had originally asked Steve, a friend who is also the president of a bible college in Edmonton, but he was going to be out of town. She had also asked Brenda, another friend who is a manager in a care facility in Edmonton, but she was also not going to be available.
Oh no. My first reaction was truthfully, “What kind of cruel trick is somebody trying to play on this young girl?” Those other choices were much better and there are many other better choices she could make than to shadow me. We have several pastors in the church and we have congregation members in all sorts of positions who could perhaps really inspire Clarissa to go into a career where she could flourish and grow. I on the other hand, at 43 years of age, have taken several leaps backwards and am in transition. I currently am completing my degree by doing a practicum at my church, working as an IT Specialist and Special Events Coordinator and also, by default, the office secretary – something I swore a long time ago that I would never do again. I have not managed any practical aspect of my day-to-day life at all well, including my career, and don’t feel that I am a very good example for anyone who still has hope.
I really like Clarissa. She is in 9th grade and is 14 years old, but she looks like she could be 12 years old and in 6th grade. She knows this – in fact, she informed me of this early on in the day. I assured her that looking younger would appeal to her later on, but in fact she doesn’t seem bothered by it now! I would guess she is about 5’5”, well-proportioned and fit, very light brown hair with lots of blonde highlights, a slightly square face (she informed me of that, too!) that is benefited by wearing square earrings. Her eyes are a gray/blue I believe and she has a beautiful complexion with naturally adorable rosy red cheeks. I will do just about anything to make Callista smile – she has an extremely engaging and overall winsome smile.
What was I going to do? I hemmed and hawed and prayed, and prayed, and prayed, as quickly as I could when she asked me over the phone. In retrospect, I am amazed at the amount of melodrama I experience or cause myself to experience in my life, but nevertheless, I am very concerned for young people and understand the importance of good examples in their lives. And sometimes, I just feel like a big contaminant, bad luck, poisoned goods. And I think that stems mostly from a realization that I don’t want anyone to spend 43 years growing up when it can be achieved much more quickly than that.
However, as I prayed, a voice said to me, “Are you going to disappoint a young girl because you feel inadequate? Aren’t you here working for me? If so, then what is the problem? Or do you get your sense of worth from others than me?”
“Well, God, I don’t really know. I’m trying to convince myself this is not about P R I D E. I can’t help but feel that I would have been a better example a year ago or more than I am now. I have not accomplished much and seem to fall periodically into some kind of a slump. You keep helping me and blessing me in so many different ways that make it abundantly clear you are at work, but I often feel an absolute failure that you have to bail out over and over again. I am afraid of allowing myself to get stuck in a rut again and not accomplishing what you would have me do.”
“Have you thought of the possibility that this little assignment might not be about you but rather about Clarissa? I’ve used people in positions you would consider lesser than yours to do my work.”
Ah, yes. “Okay, Clarissa – I would love to have you shadow me at work.”
And so, Clarissa came one day a couple of weeks ago. She grinned right away. We chatted a bit, and then she asked a series of questions that the school wanted asked.
“What do you like most about your job?” The people – the fact that what I do affects many people.
She also helped with printing labels, labeling envelopes, and putting postage on envelopes.
“What do you like least about your job?” The repetitive stuff and the interruptive things like answering the phone and door.
When lunchtime rolled around, we walked to the local grocery store to purchase fixings for a tuna salad lunch. Believe it or not, I felt it was very important to model getting up and walking at lunch. (It would be better to actually model it by doing it on a regular basis.) Anyway, the Kaups were unloading a trailer full of beautiful spruce (I think) to decorate for our Christmas banquet, and two of the three had not brought their lunch, so we offered to make lunch for them, too. So, we got our lunch stuff: tuna, honey wheatberry bread, carrots and red pepper (healthy) and chips and Clarissa’s favorite cookies (not as healthy).
We made lunch and ate lunch and talked some more. Clarissa has several careers in mind: lawyer (she told me that she “argues” well), French teacher, art teacher, children’s pastor (she LOVES the nursery work in the church), and mother. I’m quite certain she will do well no matter what she chooses. She has a confident and well-adjusted presence, and my guess is that once she selects something, she will persist until it is achieved.
Clarissa learned how to use the shredder and was quite excited to be shredding some stuff that had built up over a period of time. It was great having someone in the office who was excited to be doing some of the more mundane activities needing to get done.
I can no longer remember the other questions that Clarissa asked – they seemed painfully pointed then, geared toward making me really evaluate my life situation, but in hindsight have perhaps lost some of their impact.
“Lord, thank you for the opportunity to spend a day with Clarissa, a beautiful, young lady with a bright future ahead of her. I pray that while she shadowed me, there was some positive impact on her life. I pray that she remains free of the cynicism and pride that you are having to work on in me, no matter what path she chooses for her career. Thank you, Lord, for inviting me to shadow you that day – I pray that in some way I did, even if it was only for a moment or two. Amen.”
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Great Sunday
Well, it was a great Sunday today. I was in the worship band for the service today, which is always awesome. The band and singers were all excellent and the songs were some of my favorites.
The sermon was probably one of the best I've heard in a while, and was about how to go about figuring out if you are balanced or imbalanced in your life. A major focus was on how the busyness in our lives can distract us from the God that we need. And how we often tend to spin plates -- just tend to them enough to keep them up in the air kind of thing. And how if we can't rest, then God really can't use us like he would like to. That you have to understand you can't do everything you want to do -- there will always be more opportunities than you can take and so you have to choose. And that when you are imbalanced in your life, and you are overstressed, etc., you can say hurtful things, you can think lies are true, etc.
That sermon spoke directly to me.
The sermon was probably one of the best I've heard in a while, and was about how to go about figuring out if you are balanced or imbalanced in your life. A major focus was on how the busyness in our lives can distract us from the God that we need. And how we often tend to spin plates -- just tend to them enough to keep them up in the air kind of thing. And how if we can't rest, then God really can't use us like he would like to. That you have to understand you can't do everything you want to do -- there will always be more opportunities than you can take and so you have to choose. And that when you are imbalanced in your life, and you are overstressed, etc., you can say hurtful things, you can think lies are true, etc.
That sermon spoke directly to me.
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