Nowhere

Jesus replied, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” Luke 9:58

Nowhere

How well I remember this piece of scripture – my first memorized verse. I had recently become a Christian, and a personal trainer friend of mine, also a Christian, sent me the link to get an online mailing every day called “Sayings of Jesus” (www.sayingsofjesus.com). And the scripture above was the first one I got. I sent it off with questions to another friend in Edmonton, Alberta, who gave the questions to his pastor, who sent an answer back to me:

The context of this passage is Jesus was responding to a person who said he would follow Jesus. Jesus was simply saying, "If you want to follow me you may find you have less than you started with. I have no place to call home and if you follow me you will find you may have no place of acceptance or to call home. You will need to give up everything to follow me, so think about the price before you make the commitment and if you can pay the price make the commitment."

Well, that pastor is now my pastor, too, and he is a very good teacher. I thought that this scripture really laid things on the line – you are either in for the ride or out. No middle ground. I remember being a bit apprehensive about this scripture, because from the beginning of this journey, I knew it was “going to be hard”, and I wondered if this scripture would apply to me. But I also knew that any other way would not be really living. If I chose any other way, I knew I would have regrets and have missed something huge. I’m not talking about my journey to Edmonton, but my journey to Christ.

And it has been hard. It has also been hugely rewarding. I have an awesome pastor, a loving church family, good friends here to love and be loved by, a family back in Michigan that loves me still, a vehicle that works, a friend who is a doctor that fixed me up when I got beat up by my cat, a friend who is chiropractor who is fixing me up after massive packing and unpacking at our new church, a friend who is a massage therapist who has fixed me up repeatedly, a secret sister who has taken exceptional care of me – I could go on and on and on and on…..well, you get the picture.

The hard part has been in the waiting. I came here deciding to finish up a degree in Information Technology at NAIT while here. It seemed an obvious choice – I was nearly done and the program at NAIT is an excellent one. So, I would have one year of school, and one year of practicum. My church has been very generous to me and hired me for my practicum experience. Now that is over. And now I need to be able to work for real, and as a U.S. citizen, this means I go for a post-graduate work visa. It has already been 8 weeks since I have had to stop working. It is very hard to be my age and have nowhere to work.

In the meantime, I am housesitting. I have lived at a room and board here in Edmonton along with 4 or 5 other students in Bible College. I still maintain that it is healthier to live with people rather than on one’s own, but it can be hard at times, and when those hard times come, I feel like a failure who has no place of her own. And when I am housesitting, I think of how most people my age have a home and a family.

I know that we are all called to different purposes for God and that the measure of success in this world can be far different than the measure of success in God’s eyes. But even that is hard when there is so much apparent evidence to the contrary. It is one thing to talk the talk but it is a far cry from walking the talk.

The rubber meets the road right here, right now. I have been feeling insecure because of my circumstances – basically, having nowhere to work and no place to call my own. In tennis, there is one area of the court that is called “No Man’s Land” – that would be where I stand right now. And, I have not borne the experience all that well. I’ve complained about it and felt a bit of self-pity about it. I’ve tried to get out of No Man’s Land to no avail. I am determined to see this through, but it would be good to see it through with grace as opposed to a lack thereof.

I asked God for this experience. I counted the costs and determined that the cost of not following Him was far greater than following Him. So, I asked Him to give me the strength and the courage to follow Him wherever He leads. I still ask Him for that today. I guess it is time to realize that when I climbed out of the hole or flew out of the nest, it was not a temporary measure. The journey is not over and I may forever have nowhere to lay my head.

Jesus, I ask you again today for the strength and courage to follow you. I counted the costs when I began and though I’ve had a blip here, I still maintain there is no other way. I also ask for you to work on my heart further so I deal with these situations with more grace. I pray that I begin to appreciate the opportunities, like this one, to be more like you, and that I don’t look for affirmation based on others’ experiences, or look back with regret to things of no substance, or have expectations because of what seems “normal” to me. In your name, I ask these things.