So . . . . .

I had perhaps the worst week of my existence, in many ways, last week. I am not happy or proud of it either. But after falling in love, whether it is with a person, a church family, a culture, whatever, it is perhaps the most painful thing of all to say goodbye. And I don't think I have done a lot of real falling in love before now. Sad to say it, but I think it is true.

The mere idea of leaving my church family right now left me biting dust if you know what I mean. So, the concept of loss became tangible to me last Monday, I believe, and for 5 days I spent the majority of my time in a near catatonic state. It wasn't pretty. By Friday, I realized that church on Sunday was going to be too hard. I wrote some goodbye e-mails that gave me an out from Church. Saturday was not much better in terms of my attitude.

And then came Sunday. I woke up at about 4:10 am - it was getting light. It was a beautiful day. I knew I wasn't going back to sleep. I heard some ducks squabbling on the pond in the back, so I decided to do my bible reading on the deck. Down the stairs, put on the coffee, watered the plants, grabbed my cuppa joe, and went out on the deck.

Have you ever had times where the beauty of your surroundings gives you so much joy that it is hard to bear? This was such a moment. I marveled at God's creation again - ducks were squabbling on the pond, little red- and yellow-winged blackbirds were landing close by me on the feeder and would let out a sqwak because I was there and making them too nervous to eat, the water on the pond was twinkling, the sun was shining, there were fluffy white clouds in the mostly blue sky. To me it was as close to perfect as you could get.

"Thank you God for providing me a place where I could be sad mostly in private. Thank you for a beautiful temporary home and your perfect creation to enjoy this morning. Thank you for such a beautiful place to read your word today -- I pray you open my heart to hear what you would have me hear this morning."

Colossians 1&2

"May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father."

Thank you, Lord. That I am even alive today is by your grace alone. Thank you for the opportunity to
serve you today. Lord, please be with me today, please walk with me today. Thank you.

"For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness . . . "

Lord, I understand this concept, but I'm feeling some darkness here.

"Don't let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that
come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from
Christ."

Lord, thank you for a good teacher who keeps it simple.

"So don't let anyone condemn you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating certain holy days or new moon ceremonies or Sabbaths."

Ah, excellent, then it is okay if I don't go to church?

"You have plenty to do, Kathy, you should get busy."

Is that you, Lord?

"You have alot to do in the next week -- go get busy. Go down to your house and get started on that awful mess in your room."

Okay, Lord, so you are okay we me not going to church?

"Kathy, you have a big move coming up -- you better get started -- try starting with a shower, okay?"

So, seemingly absolved from the obligation to go to church, I came indoors and decided to do some checking out of people's blogs. I thought of some of the young adults in the church, and decided it had been a while since I had checked out Ryan Hastman's blog. So, I checked it out. After reading about Ryan's latest favorite "hottie" type of thing :) I read his next entry in which he explains Christianity quite succinctly. Here's the link, see for yourself:

http://ryanhastman.blogspot.com/2006/07/what-is-my-religion-religion.html

" it's about a relationship with a God who is a person, not an abstract force of nature; who knows my name personally and actually cares about my life; and who gives selfish-me a desire to love others because He loved them first."

God, I love my church family so much. But I feel such a failure -- I don't want to say goodbye. So, I don't have to go, right?

"That's it. Its not about not-swearing, not-drinking, not doing this and not doing that. That stuff is a natural by-product of the important things. And its FOR SURE not about judging people, anyone. We're all screwed up."

Wow! That matches up with my other reading.

Back out to sit on the deck and pray:
"God, I need your help. You know my circumstances, and I don't know what to do. I need to know what you would have me do with this circumstance. I will sit here until I hear from you."

"You need to leave it all to me. There is nothing more you can do. Remember: Love Me, love your neighbor."

God, I want to go to church. I guess I would prefer my last Sunday be filled with loving my family in person, and not hurting anyone else, than packing for a trip that might never happen and licking my wounds. Thank you, God, for clarifying and providing me direction through your Word and Ryan's, too.